No one can decide our self worth but us. Unfortunately, we’re seldom taught how to defend it. Our self esteem is often under attack even when we’re not aware it’s happening.
I used to not stand up for myself in situations when I should have.
Why?
A friend of mine, L, said it well: “People don’t know that they have a right to feel uncomfortable…” …and that they can and should do something about it. For me, a big example was how my sister used to put me down. (She still does, but I’ve learned how to not let it get to me.)
Are there any situations in your life that make you feel even slightly uncomfortable where your self-worth might be at risk?
What do you mean by “self worth”?
Your personal history, and beliefs will determine what “self worth” means to you, but here’s what I’ve learned…
Self worth is how much you believe you deserve to have the things you want, and what you let other people do to you. As Tony Robbins says, “We get what we tolerate.”
Whatever you tolerate sets the bar for your self worth or self esteem. Likewise, whatever you stand up for yourself for also sets the bar.
Tolerating things pulls your self worth bar down. Standing up for yourself pushes your self worth bar up!
What is my current self worth? Are you “giving it away”?
Look out for these things as signs to what your self worth level might be. They can be hard to spot, but I’ll try to shed some light from my experiences.
1. Do you say “I’m sorry” a lot?
How often do you apologize for things you’re really not sorry for?
I used to say “I’m sorry” all the time! Recently I experienced the other side of this apologetic coin.
The AirBnb host I was staying with asked if she could use take desk from the room I was in for a dinner she was hosting. I wasn’t going to be around that night, so I said of course she could use the table. Still, after I said yes, she said “I’m sorry.”
Why?
She had no reason to be sorry. She wanted something and asked for it. It wasn’t going to affect me (since I’d be out), yet she apologized.
Again, my friend L put this nicely. She used to say sorry “not because I was actually being empathetic, it’s just like your default word. Its weird.”
Is your “I’m sorry” on autopilot?
2. Do you give up what you want so others can have what they want?
Imagine, in the desk-borrowing situation above, if my host had never asked for the table and never took it. She could have just as well put her guests around the small table she did have and sit some others on the couch. Essentially, giving up what she wanted, finding another solution to her problem that would (assumedly) keep me happy.
This used to be me all the time. Especially when doing things with friends. If there was a restaurant I wanted to eat at, or a movie I wanted to see, chances are I’d never voice my preference, and instead work to find the option that everyone else wanted.
Basically, I thought to myself “I’m not worthy of having everyone else go where I want to go. I don’t deserve them giving up their preferences for mine.”
Well guess what, just as much as you are willing to help other people get their preferences, they are likely just as willing to help you get your preference!
3. Do you go out of your way to do things you want to do?
Maybe you’re hiking with a group, and there’s a view you want to look at. Or you’re living at home and there’s an instrument you want to practice. Or anything else where, if you were by yourself, you would do it, but when around others you don’t.
You’re giving your self worth away! I used to not play drums at home because I felt bad about the noise. What’s funny is my parents would encourage me to play and very rarely complained about the noise. I felt bad anyway.
WHY?!
We’re more often taught to feel bad for the things we do rather than feel good for doing the things we want. Once you recognize this programming, this brainwashing, you can start to change it.
Are other people lowering your self worth?
Tech companies have hackers, life has “negative Nancys”.
It’s sad to know there exist people who will try to bring you down, but you don’t have to let them get to you.
Usually, these people feel “down” themselves. Their own self worth is low, and it has a gravity to it. That’s why they try to bring you down, too. Bringing you down is one way to make themselves feel better.
So what can you do? Don’t accept their “gift”.
Let me ask you this: If someone gives you a gift, but you don’t take it, to whom does the gift belong?
Answer: them.
AKA, don’t let in what the other person says. Let them have their negative statement all to themselves.
How do I increase my self worth? 5 Tips
Here are the ideas I put into practice to increase my own self worth. If these work for you, great! If not, shoot me an email or drop a comment below, I’m curious to hear what’s going on.
It can be hard uncomfortable to adopt this mentality and grow into these beliefs if you’ve never thought this way before, but hey if I can do it, you can do it 🙂 And trust me, it’s worth it.
- Start doing things you want to do as opposed to doing things others want you to do.
- Not only that, but do things that make you feel like you’re feeding your self worth.
- Realize that you’re your own entity of awesomeness, and everyone else is their own entity of whatever they choose to be. If they’re negative, fine, let them be that way. Just keep your emotional distance.
- Realize you’re responsible for your own happiness and everyone else is responsible for theirs.
- Read, read, read! Get new ideas into your brain. As you do, you’ll gain new perspectives not only on yourself, but on life.
It’s a cliche, but you are perfect and worthy just as you are. No one else can ever change that. Only you can prevent forest fires (in your mind) that make you believe you’re not.
Let’s end with my new favorite quote:
“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
