A friend and I just finished catching up over brunch. It had been months since we last saw each other. (One thing about the digital nomad life is you don’t often see your friends.) As the conversation continued I noticed it started to take a turn.
My friend, R, was asking me for advice. He was bringing up deep questions and real problems he was going through. This had never happened to me before.
I felt honored he was looking to me for this advice and also glad I had been through a lot of what he was asking. I knew I could speak from experience; from a place of practicality, not just theory.
What follows are some of his questions which all revolve around a central topic, happiness, and my responses. Unfortunately, we didn’t record this conversation. What’s here is what I typed up from memory as soon as I got to a cafe.
Let’s dive in.
How do I choose between staying in this job and this industry vs doing something more fulfilling even if for less pay?
That’s a good question, and exactly what I was asking myself before I started traveling.
Annual reviews at my company were coming up, and I literally got to the point where I asked myself: “Do I want career growth or personal growth?”
I was in a tech job workting 9-5 at a desk in an office. I had center consoles of cars at my desk since my team was responsible for integrating our app with automobiles. To work with these I had to plug my phone into my laptop, and then the car console, and then my laptop, and back and forth. I was almost literally chained to my desk.
Sure I was in line to “climb the corporate ladder”, but deep down I knew I didn’t want that life.
Some do, and that’s fine, there is no right or wrong, but I don’t subscribe to that lifestyle. I chose personal development, and switched companies to one that would allow me to travel the world, even if it wasn’t the best resume builder.
It’s a personal decision only you can make. Whether or not you allow others to influence your decision is also up to you.
Why doesnt’ everyone do this?
Also a very good question. The main reason being we’re not taught to.
We’re taught the following:
- Get good grades.
- Go to a good school.
- Get a good job.
- Invest in your 401k.
- Retire when you’re 65, maybe earlier if you’re lucky.
- etc…
Does that sound familiar?
As we grow, we’re taught less and less to think for ourselves and more and more to do what society says we should do.
Also, most people try to derive their happiness from external things. They work the job to buy the nice watch, or nice car, or the nice condo. Marketing and advertising uses this fact to play to this “weakness” of people, making them feel not good enough unless they have the nice things.
This also applies to “external” people. People try to derive their happiness from other people.
So what does this mean?
This means people don’t know how to make themselves happy. If they did, they would, and everyone would be happy.
Because people stop thinking for themselves as they grow older, they lose touch of what really would make them happy, they do what society tells them will make them happy, and they never take a leap, like taking a less-prestigious job for less pay but more freedom, for instance.
What about parents? Mine seem to depend on me for support and they don’t want to change.
This can be hard. You can’t change other people. If they wanted to change, they would.
Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t really want to change, but will expect you to help them.
My dad wanted me to be his “personal trainer” and help him get in shape. He would repeatedly say: “I want to get rid of my belly, you could help me do that.” I would agree and say yes I could.
However, he never scheduled a day and time to start with me.
Finally I replied: “I’ll teach you when you’re ready”. He never asked again.
He must have realized he didn’t want to put the effort to change.
You don’t have to support people who won’t even try to support themselves. They’re not worth the drain on your energy or happiness. This can be hard especially if they’re family.
Something I’ve realized is: everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Unfortunately, most people don’t know what makes them happy, and they try to get happiness from external things, especially other people. (As stated above).
Once you find self-happiness, you’ll realize your happiness is entirely within your power and no one else’s. Then you’ll realize everyone else’s happiness is also entirely within their power.
If someone isn’t happy, isn’t trying to make themselves happy, and is attaching to you somehow, it’s NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make them happy.
Here’s another thing: people want those around them to experience the same level of happiness as them.
If you’re around someone who’s generally unhappy, conversations with them can bring you down. Their world is simply lacking happiness.
If you’re around someone who is happy, their conversations will likely inspire you on your happiness journey. Just don’t be the one to bring them down!
If someone is trying to bring down your happiness (even if they aren’t aware that’s what they’re doing), don’t let them, and if you need to, stop spending time with them.
Have you ever had someone who belittles or talks down to you?
(In the conversation, my friend R gave exmaples of how a “friend” of his would call him names or try and make him feel dumb.)
Yes. At some point growing up my older sister started making belittling comments towards me.
We were similar in age and used to do a lot together. Then she started calling me dumb, or stupid, or similar things. This would happen often, and even though my mom would tell her to stop, she wouldn’t. “He knows I’m joking,” she would say.
Back then, I didn’t have the backbone to tell her to stop.
If you’re around someone like this all the time, it’s unhealthy. I find people like this usually aren’t happy and content within themselves.
They are trying to make themselves feel better by putting you down. My sister was somewhat jealous of me, she thought I was the favorite child. Maybe that’s why she put me down.
But this person changed. They didn’t used to be like this.
One thing you can do is look for patterns.
(R gave more exmaples of how his “friend” had issues with other people, like coworkers.)
What’s happening is you’re filling a role in that person’s life. The role of a victim to their “higher up” personality.
What would happen if you were suddenly out of the picture? Do you think their personality would change?
No.
They would find someone else to fill that role in their life. Its just the way they are.
You can’t change people. You can spend time and energy with this person trying to analyze why they changed, but they probably don’t want that. If you ask them why they’re acting this way, they’ll likely argue or avoid the real question. (This happened to R.)
So what can you do?
Again, realize you are responsible for your own happiness and they are responsible for theirs. If they’re bringing down your happiness, you don’t have to spend time with them.
The decision is yours.
What do you do for entertainment? Like after a long day of work to not think about work?
You won’t want to not-think about work if you’re doing something you enjoy.
For me, I work on my side project, (this website). Some might call it work. To me its enjoyable.
I don’t watch TV or the news or play video games. After a day of work-work (my 9-5), I take a break to go for a walk then get working on my blog.
If you’re asking this question it sounds like you don’t enjoy what you’re doing.
Sure, sometimes I’ll watch a movie or go out dancing or something, but for the most part I’m focused on this website. Its enjoyable to me.
I forgot where I heard this, but somewhere I read or heard: don’t look to be entertained.
Another really important thing I’ve learned is this: switch your mindset from consumer to producer.
(My friend R instantly understood this. He said: “oh, so when you switch, you’ll enjoy producing.”)
Yes!
There’s nothing wrong with a little fun and entertainment, it’s healthy! But if you’re using entertainment to get away from work you don’t enjoy, that’s a red flag.
This was an exciting conversation as I watched my friend R understand these concepts. He was asking all the right questions and was responding very well to the answers.
When I taught salsa dancing, one of the BEST feelings was watching the students get it. Watching them learn, and being able to objectively say they improved over the last hour or two. Spending the last ten minutes of class dancing to songs non-stop when they had walked in an hour earlier with no knowledge at all.
Start learning now. Start your journey to a better life, your ideal life, NOW.
The sooner you start the sooner you’ll arrive 🙂
