Everyone wants to be happy, but not everyone knows how. It’s something often mentioned, but not often discussed; suggested but not taught. Happy is something other people assume you are but don’t ask about.
Why? Is happiness taboo?
Are people afraid of getting an honest answer “No” if they ever ask, “Are you happy?”
Whatever the reason is, I believe there can be more happiness in this world. I’d like to teach what I’ve learned about happiness, specifically how happiness relates to other people.
What does it mean to be happy?
What is happiness anyway? How do you know when you’ve “reached” it? How do you know if you don’t have it? Were you happy once, and want to be happy again?
The way I see it, happiness is a state of being.
It’s a long-term mindset fueling a positive feeling in your body and in our minds. Being happy is maintaining a positive mental energy such that other people’s negative emotions don’t get to you.
When you’re in a state of happy, you radiate such energy that other people feel attracted to you. It’s more than the smile on your face or the pep in your step. It’s all around you and people can feel it.
Most likely, they’re lacking that feeling themselves, so when they feel that someone else has it, they’re drawn to it.
What do I have to do to be happy?
The short answer for being happy is this: do things and spend time with people that make you happy.
Sounds obvious? But there’s two parts.
Let’s talk about the hard side of happy real quick: Don’t do things and don’t hang out with people that make you not-happy.
Why is this the hard part?
We think we need to not do things that will make someone else unhappy.
We live on autopilot most of the time. Most of our thoughts and actions from day to day are the same as the day before. Most of these things we’ve done for years, we unknowingly become attached to them and don’t know any other way.
If everyday you go the same bar after work because it’s just what you do, that’s a habit that will be hard to stop.
If you eat the same food everyday because it’s what you know, changing that can be hard because change takes work.
Hanging out with the same people week in week out may not bring you happiness but you won’t change because “What would I do otherwise?”
Do you see what I’m getting at?
Ok, so what do I have to do?
After you’ve cut out the things that don’t make you happy, fill your new time with things that do make you happy.
It can be as simple as going for a walk. Or standing a little longer at the window appreciating the view. Maybe your thing is music and you haven’t been to a concert in years.
Simply put, allow yourself to bring into your life things that you enjoy, and be willing to give up other things you’re doing to have them.
When those “other things” involve other people, it’s easy to feel guilty for dropping them, but guilt, my friend, is toxic. Don’t let yourself feel the guilt. You deserve to do what brings you joy no matter what anyone else thinks or wants of you.
Being Happy With Yourself
What i’ve found, is that the key to being happy with yourself is being happy with yourself, and by that I mean not needing anyone else to be happy. Doing “happiness” on your own, being responsible for your own happiness.
Yes, you can be happy alone!
Once you get this, and you understand it on an emotional level, an interesting thing happens. When you take your own happiness into your own hands, you realize that everyone else is responsible for their own happiness, too. Meaning you’re not responsible for the happiness of others.
See and believe this and any feeling of guilt will fade away. You no longer have to hang out with those friends you don’t like because you’re getting your own happiness and they’re getting theirs, (or not). If they’re not, that’s on them. Not you.
What if I don’t know what makes me happy?
You’re not alone! Trust me. Many people don’t know what makes them happy in life.
Or, if you’re like me, you know what makes you happy but you still don’t do it. (For me, that came down to feeling of guilt and “supposed to”.)
If you don’t know what makes you happy, or you simply don’t do it, it might help to understand WHY we don’t.
I’m still figuring this out for myself…but here’s what I’ve discovered so far. We don’t know what makes us happy because we’re taught to be not-happy.
CRAZY I KNOW! But it’s true.
How?
We’re surrounded by things and people telling us we shouldn’t be happy.
First of all…think about marketing:
“You won’t be happy unless you buy this thing!”
Or you get it from your parents:
“Don’t request a song from the band, you’re bugging them.” (AKA: you should feel bad for asking for what you want.)
What examples can you think of from your own experience?
We are encouraged to please other people, how to give up our happiness for someone else’s, but are rarely taught how to please ourselves.
So why are people not happy?
For the most part, people expect happiness to come from outside of them rather than inside of them.
People may look for happiness in a nice watch, or the fancy clothes they bought, or the expensive car, or the TV shows, or their girlfriend/partner, or their children, or money. These are all external things.
Try thinking instead: I’m happy because what I’m doing in life fulfills me. I’m happy because I get to spend time with people that I love.
Think of what makes you smile. Is it something external, or something within yourself? Was it the latest episode of your favorite TV show or was it an idea you had? Was it giving up what you truly wanted because someone else wanted something different, or was it you prioritizing yourself and taking that trip you always wanted?
7 Tip Summary
Here’s what you can start doing TODAY to let the not-happiness go from your life, and bring more happiness into your life.
- Stop watching or listening to ads.
- Swap the “meh” things in your life for the “yes!” things.
- Swap the “meh” people in your life for the “let’s hang out!” people.
- Do something small today that makes you smile no matter what anyone else thinks.
- Do #4 again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and the next…
- Start realizing that everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and notice when you or others are giving up what they really want for something someone else wants.
- When #6 happens, support and be okay with doing your own thing
then meeting up afterward.
