Welcome to one of the most important, most difficult, journeys of your life.
One year ago, my self-love meter was at zero. I cried in the arms of the girl of my dreams as she broke up with me a second time. I wanted her love SO BADLY. It was then I realized something had to change.
So I left to travel the world, and for a while I was doing pretty well. Until one day I proudly decided to start a business. I was thinking of all the different business I could start, and all the things I’d have to do to start one.
Then, it hit me.
The heaviest wave of self-defeat I had ever felt in my life. From my desk chair, I lowered myself to the floor. Sitting on the carpet with my back against the wall, a poisonous, toxic feeling expanded in the center of my chest. I couldn’t stop thinking “I can’t do it.” “There’s no use in trying.” “I will fail.” “People will think badly of me.” The list goes on and on.
Its indescribable what I felt in that moment.
It was emotional rock-bottom.
That was over a year ago, but looking back now, healthy and happy, I know why it happened.
Starting new life-changing ventures requires support. Support from family, friends, and most importantly, yourself. I knew my family wouldn’t agree, and none of my friends were in business. All I had was me, and I couldn’t support myself.
I didn’t love myself.
I wish someone had sat me down and said these two things:
- “What you’re missing is self-love.”
- “Here are the best things you can do to attain self-love.”
Of all the things I tried over the year, these eight things were the most effective.
If you want a guide of what to do to achieve self-love, this is that guide.
1. Tell yourself that you love yourself. Like, a lot.
This one might feel weird at first, it did for me, but is the one thing that worked above all others.
It’s simple. Say this out loud:
I love myself.
Yes, say it right now! Then say it again. And again. And again…and again…and again…and repeat it over and over and over.
- Repeat “I love myself” out loud for 10 minutes straight.
- Chant it on your morning run.
- Say it in the shower.
- During your commute.
- In the elevator.
If there are people around, don’t stop! Say it in your mind.
Sing along to your favorite songs replacing the lyrics with “I love myself.” Music evokes emotion. Pairing that elevated emotion with the intention of loving yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do.
It could take a week, a day, or a month. Whatever you do, don’t stop. This works.
Why does this work?
You’re familiar with the Grand Canyon, right? It was carved from a river coursing through it for yeeears. The same thing happens in the brain, but the “canyon” is our neural pathways and the “river” is our thoughts.
Unfortunately, many people think self-defeating thoughts on a regular basis. I certainly did.
Repeating “I love myself” over and over and over again starts carving a new canyon. You are building a new neural pathway so strong it makes the previous one insignificant. But you must keep going. A few buckets of water isn’t going to start a new Grand Canyon!
2. Discover the one thing holding you back from loving yourself and reverse it.
Before discovering #1, I went to see a hypnotherapist. The best lesson I got from him was three simple words he mentioned before we even had a session. They are: “your inner critic.”
I had never heard the term “inner critic” before, but already I knew whatever it was, mine was strong.
What is the inner critic?
Imagine the Inner Critic as a character inside your mind, running around saying things like “I’m not attractive,” “I’m no fun,” “People don’t enjoy my company,” “I’m going to fail,” “Others will think less of me,” and on and on.
These thoughts ran through my head constantly. Once I labeled them as the “Inner Critic” I started studying how to make this character work WITH me instead of against me.
In his book The ONE Thing, Gary Keller talks about the power of focusing on one thing. He teaches the idea of the focusing question:
What is the one thing I can do, such that by doing it, all others become easier or unnecessary?
The same approach can be used for removing something:
What is the one thing I can remove, such that by doing so, everything becomes easier or unnecessary?
It became clear if I wanted self-love, I had to “remove” my inner critic. It’s held me back from so many things my entire life.
What’s the one thing holding you back?
Find it, work on it, and your life will never be the same again.
3. Recreate a time when you did love yourself.
Dr. Joe Dispenza mentions in one of his talks an amazing study of elderly men virtually becoming younger. (Click here for a 1-minute summary!)
Researchers got a group of men in their 70s, took body measurements and cognitive tests, then took them on a retreat for 5 days. After the 5 days, all the men had improved cognition (60%!), better body measurements, and were more physically active.
What happened in the retreat?
The house for this retreat was designed and decorated in styles from the men’s youth. From movies to decorations, and newspapers. They were simply asked to behave as if they were younger.
This technique can be life changing. I lost my way for years before discovering it.
Here’s what to do:.
- Look back at a time when you were happy with who you were.
- Ask yourself: “What’s different?”
- Start bringing those things back into your life!
Once I started reading again, learning again, listening to bands I had forgotten about and more, my mental state began to change. It had been years since I trimmed my beard short and spiked my hair, but the moment I did I felt like the younger, happier me.
In his book Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself, Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about how the chemicals in our body run our experience. Just as you can get addicted to drugs, your body becomes addicted to chemicals released by your brain.
Its CRAZY but it’s true. Change the chemicals your brain produces and you can end your body’s addiction to negative thoughts. It’s not an imbalance, it’s an addiction, and eventually your body will adjust. This can happen just by changing your day-to-day environment.
4. Intentionally select your tunes.
What is love? It’s an emotion. If you want self-love then you’re looking to feel an emotion.
The good news is there are things out there literally designed to make you feel emotions. The trick is to find the right ones for the right emotion.
For me, it was music. I found songs already in my library about empowerment and being ambitious. The lyrics resonated with me and the music was uplifting and positive. I created a new playlist and added songs to it one by one.
I listened to that playlist over and over and over again.
Do this. Listen in the shower. Listen during your workout or your commute. Listen anytime you normally listen to music. Let yourself feel the music, internalize the words and feel the song’s meaning.
Make this a habit and watch your life change.
5. Learn from those who have done it before
Just like anything else, loving yourself is a skill. Its weird to think of an emotion as a skill, but it is. And one of the best ways to learn a new skill is to learn from someone who’s done it before and is good at it.
If there are people in your life who are good self-lovers, great! Ask them how they got there, and what habits they do to maintain their self-love.
If you’re like me, and don’t really know anyone who to ask, don’t worry. There’s a massive amount of information out there. A simple Google search will bring some up. (That may be how you found this article!)
Be careful though, there is so much information but it’s not all useful. It’s so easy to create information, podcasts, books, etc these days, just about anyone can. Make sure in your search for role models, you choose people who have been there and gone through what you’re going through.
Otherwise their lessons will have an emptiness to them. Believe me, I’ve felt it.
6. Ask yourself this ONE question.
This question is amazing. From Kamal Ravikant’s book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, the moment I heard this question it became a guiding light. Here it is:
If I loved myself truly and deeply, would I allow myself to do this?
For example:
- If I loved myself truly and deeply, would I allow myself to stay in this relationship?
- If I loved myself truly and deeply, would I allow myself to travel the world?
- If I loved myself truly and deeply, would I allow myself to share my opinion?
Get as specific (…would I allow myself to eat this donut?) or as broad (…would I allow myself to move cities?) as you would like.
Ask this question, and your heart will know the right answer.
Then all you have to do is act.
Easier said than done, I know.
But do it.
7. Find where the love in your life currently comes from.
This one is huge.
Human beings are creatures of community. We do things in groups and often choose a mate for life. The love we give each other keeps these connections alive.
Issues can arise if you are dependent on these external sources for love.
For my whole life, I looked for love externally. I didn’t feel much love from my family, so I went looking for love in my girlfriends. When one relationship ended, I looked for love in the next one. After enough heartbreak, I started to believe I would never feel loved.
Boy was I wrong.
Once you are aware of where the current love you feel comes from (if you do feel love), then you can start to ask yourself how dependent you are on that source of love. Knowing this is so powerful. Knowing this, you are in a position to decide how to change. You can now decide if you want to get more love from another source.
Another source, such as…yourself 🙂
8. Start learning yourself.
In a relationship with another person, love takes time to build. There is rarely one moment when someone suddenly feels love for a person. It builds over shared experiences, through sharing of the self, through understanding each other.
Your relationship with yourself is no different. It will take time with yourself, shared experiences (yes, with yourself) and understanding (of yourself).
How do you do this?
One of the best ways is to ask questions. Be curious. Journal your questions and answers in a notebook or on your computer. If you ever have a thought about why you are the way you are, write it down. Don’t forget it.
The experience of writing these thoughts down helps your brain organize the information, and that journal will be a gold nugget when you look back on it one day.
In conclusion, self love is a real thing that many people go a lifetime without. Please don’t let this be you. Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship. After all, you are the person who you spend the most time with.
You can’t escape your mind and you can’t escape your body.
Learn to love them both, for you only have one.
They must last you the rest of your life.
You are ambitious. You can do this.
