Memories, Anxiety, and Sex

Yea, this morning was interesting.

I slept on the futon last night and woke up on it this morning when my alarms went off at 7am, like they do every day. Usually on Sunday mornings I go paddle boarding on the lagoon, but this morning I just wasn’t feeling like moving or getting up.

So, I did what I normally do when that’s the case. I just laid there, and played with my brain. Played with the energy in my head and meditated. It really is an interesting thing to do, and something I’ve been doing a lot of lately.

In my meditations recently, (and I think a lot of this is related to the neurofeedback therapy I’ve been doing) is I’ve been connecting more with my nervous system. And my nervous system has a lot of energy and is in general is pretty active. When I lay down to meditate and begin to “let go” I feel a part of my body start to twitch, or spasm. Usually its the muscle in my right arm just on the inside of my elbow.

As the muscle starts to twitch, I relax, and give it a little more energy, and it spazzes even more. I can stop it at any time, but I don’t since I know this is a healthy energy release, and it wouldn’t be happening if it didn’t need to happen. (More on this for another post).

But in today’s meditation, I came to a few big realizations.

1. I feel like I’m last. And that other people come before me and I just do what they say.
2. That I have to borrow things to get what I want. And I’m not accustomed to owning what I need to get what I want.
3. That core energy needs to be released from our core muscles and that is why sex feels so good. And I bet this has contributed to human evolution.

The first two above, #1 and #2, are in line with the types of ideas, realizations, etc, that I’ve been having in my meditations. They’re things about me and my own past, my own mind, and behavior. They’re things that make me realize just a little more about why I am the way I am, and allows me to release that idea so I can then move on in life without it weighing me down. (Usually its an idea that weighs me down subconciously.)

About #1, briefly…

In this morning’s meditation my feet started to spaz as well. The end of my feet were moving up and down as if I was trying to push a button with my toes. Not sure why, but this reminded me (it brought up the memory of) when I was little and my dad would pull my toes to make them crack. I hated it. It was a very uncomfortable feeling, having your toes pulled. This made me think that growing up, I had little say in what happened to me. I had to follow what the family was doing, I was last. I was born last (the youngest) and so I was often last for a lot of things. My opinion was valued little and I ended up learning to just be quiet and do whatever anyone else wanted to do. We rarely did things as a family that was something I wanted to do. Even for my birthdays…because its right around Thanksgiving, it was always up to the parents what we would do. And I wouldn’t get to spend it in other ways, with friends, where and how I wanted.

About #2 briefly…

This came up when I remembered a concert I went to with a friend of mine. Let’s call him T. I was living in the Bay Area, and a killer lineup was performing at a venue maybe an hour or so away. It was Sublime, Pepper, and the Dirty Heads. Love those bands! I didn’t have a car though so i couldn’t just go on my own. I invited T because 1) well I knew he liked the music, too, and 2) well…I needed someone with a car to go with me so I could go! (I think I had rented a car for a different concert at this same venue before actually.) But that aside, this memory brought up the feelings of not being able to do things on my own, not having the freedom to, and instead making myself rely on other people to get me what I want. Always being a passenger in my own life, not a leader. Choosing to depend on someone else to get me what I want instead of going and getting it myself, and then maybe inviting other people to come along for the ride. Them joining me instead of me joining them.

Now for #3

Which I think is really interesting, makes a lot of sense to me. Many of us humans hate cardio. Many of us also hate strength training. As I got into calisthenics I realized that core workouts actually felt really good, in a physical way. Lie down on your back, do 20 leg raises (to 90 degrees) without touching the ground in between, and see how you feel the moment you lay your legs back down after the set. it feels really really good. Similar to the feeling you get when/after you have sex.

So in this morning meditation, my arm was spazzing, my feet were spazzing, even my legs and face. (All under my control, I could stop at any time). So I realized I have all this energy built up and stored somewhere somehow inside my body that just wanted to release. At that moment I thought to myself, ok, can I let go even more, can I completely give in to this energy and let it let itself out? And I released my mind just a little farther to see if I could…my core joined the spaz party.

At this point, if someone walked into the room and saw me they’d probably think I was having a seisure and call 911. In truth, this spasming felt so good, it was a release. And having my core muscles spaz was really something new, and felt really good. My hips were thrusting as if I was having sex. Its no surprise now that the core of your energy gets released from the core of your body. I let this happen, and eventually it settled down, and stopped, and I felt really really good.

Now, to tie it all together…

I then had this thought about human evolution. This “sexual thrusting” was releasing energy in me that I had been holding for so long. You could call it anxious energy or simply call it anxiety. So I thought to myself, well, as humans, compared to animals, we have a lost more anxiety. Its the frontal cortex of our brains that causes us to build up more anxiety since it’s the part that makes us relive and rethink and ruminate on stressful and anxiety-producing events, therefore just building it up more and more inside our bodies.

And if our bodies store this negative energy (which it totally does) then as we stored more and more of it we would need to release it more and more. Based on the experience I just had, where my body thrusted my hips all on its own to release some of this core dark energy, that motion is apparently really really good if not the best way to do so.

We already know that sex is healthy and helps to release anxiety, so as our evolution ancestors were getting bigger and bigger brains, they were likely having more and more anxiety, and thus needed to release it more and more, and so they probably had more and more sex. This is probably why we have more sex for pleasure than other animals. And probably why we have bigger penises, breasts, and bootys than other animals because we would choose our anxiety-releasing sex partners based on which were more/bigger things to play with to release more of our anxiety.

What’s the bottom line?

I guess its this: have more (healthy, consensual, etc) sex!